Post by Nailo on Feb 8, 2004 17:01:54 GMT -5
Yea, It's a funny thread!!! (Mu Ah Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha)
Anyways, here's some bad/good jokes just to make you laugh... (Feel free to post your own)
**Disclaimer Some of these may be slightly um, inappropriate for the younger peoples, I did some cleaning up, but I might have missed some......... Just so you know
The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just go away.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
---------------------------------------------
Q: how do you confuse a blonde?
A: put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner
--------------------------------------------------------
Q: how does a blonde confuse you?
A: if she finds the corner
a blonde, a brunette and a red head jump out of a 30 story window at the same time who hits the ground last?
-----------------------------------------------------
the blonde because she had to stop and ask for directions
a blonde, a brunette and a red head jump out of a 30 story window at the same time who hits the ground last?
the blonde because she had to stop and ask for directions
A blonde is running low on cash, so she decides to kidnap a kid for ransom. She goes to the park and finds a little boy, and writes the ransom note.
"I have your son. Put 5,000 dollars in a brown paper bag under the big oak tree if you ever want to see him again." She signs it "The Blonde". she then tapes the note to the boy and sends him home to his mom.
The next day she goes to the oak tree and finds a brown paper bag with 5,000 dollars in it. Attached to the bag is a note that says "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
--------------------------------------------
a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead find a magical cliff, and if you jump off it, whatever you say is what you turn into. so the brunette jumps off and says "eagle" and ppof, shes an eagle, and she flies away. the redhead jumps off and says "fish" and poof, she becomes a fish and swims away. the blonde runs to the ledge, but on the way towards it, she trips on a rock and says "oh rainbow"
-----------------------------------------------
A woman hires a painter to come over to her new apartment, that overlooks the street, to pick out colors for her rooms.
The painter comes over and they head to the first room where the woman says, "I would like this room to be a dark shade of blue."
The painter nods goes over to the window and yells out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The woman is a little confused but dismisses it, they move to the next room where the woman declares, "I would like this room to be sunshine yellow."
The painter again nods and then goes over to the window and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The woman is again befuddled by this man's actions, but it wasn't any of her business and so she ignored him again.
They reached the last room the woman wanted to paint and tells the painter, "I want this room white washed, something simple."
The painter nods in acknowledgement and walks to the window, leans out and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The woman is worried and cannot contain her curiousity any longer and says to the painter, "If you don't mind asking, but why are you yelling 'green side up' out the window every couple minutes." Afraid she offended the man she quickly apologizes.
The man dismisses the apology with a wave of his hand and replies, "I don't mind you asking ma'am, I have some blondes laying sod outside."
-----------------------------------------
A blonde is walking in the woods one day and comes along some railroad tracks and sees a brunette jumping back and forth on the tracks saying, "22, 22, 22, 22..." everytime she hopped on the the opposite track. Interesting the blonde joins her and repeats after the brunette, "22, 22, 22, 22..."
This goes on for a while and a train comes rumbling down the tracks and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde gets hit, oblivious to everything because of the counting.
The brunette starts hopping on the tracks once again saying, "23, 23, 23, 23..."
--------------------------
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office
and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams,
and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
--------------------------------------------------
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
---------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into
her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
..."HELLLLOOOO!!!
You need to roll up the windows."
-------------------------------------------------------------
there was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling
blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio
off.
A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing.
The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you
that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's
coming to you!"
Come on You know at least one of those made you laugh..........
Anyways, here's some bad/good jokes just to make you laugh... (Feel free to post your own)
**Disclaimer Some of these may be slightly um, inappropriate for the younger peoples, I did some cleaning up, but I might have missed some......... Just so you know
The Road to Enlightenment - The Teachings of Zen
1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow. In fact, just go away.
2. The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
3. The darkest hour is just before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's milk, that's the time to do it.
4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
6. No one is listening until you fart.
7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
9. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.
10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.
16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.
17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.
20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.
22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: How can you tell a blonde's been in your fridge?
A: There is lipstick on the cucumber.
------------------------------------------------
Q: How do you make a blonde's eyes twinkle?
A: Shine a flashlight in their ear.
--------------------------------------------------
Q: Why was the blonde's belly button sore?
A: Because her boyfriend was blonde too.
---------------------------------------------------
Q: What goes VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH,VROOM, SCREECH?
A: A blonde going through a flashing red light.
---------------------------------------------
Q: how do you confuse a blonde?
A: put her in a circular room and tell her to sit in the corner
--------------------------------------------------------
Q: how does a blonde confuse you?
A: if she finds the corner
a blonde, a brunette and a red head jump out of a 30 story window at the same time who hits the ground last?
-----------------------------------------------------
the blonde because she had to stop and ask for directions
a blonde, a brunette and a red head jump out of a 30 story window at the same time who hits the ground last?
the blonde because she had to stop and ask for directions
A blonde is running low on cash, so she decides to kidnap a kid for ransom. She goes to the park and finds a little boy, and writes the ransom note.
"I have your son. Put 5,000 dollars in a brown paper bag under the big oak tree if you ever want to see him again." She signs it "The Blonde". she then tapes the note to the boy and sends him home to his mom.
The next day she goes to the oak tree and finds a brown paper bag with 5,000 dollars in it. Attached to the bag is a note that says "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
--------------------------------------------
a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead find a magical cliff, and if you jump off it, whatever you say is what you turn into. so the brunette jumps off and says "eagle" and ppof, shes an eagle, and she flies away. the redhead jumps off and says "fish" and poof, she becomes a fish and swims away. the blonde runs to the ledge, but on the way towards it, she trips on a rock and says "oh rainbow"
-----------------------------------------------
A woman hires a painter to come over to her new apartment, that overlooks the street, to pick out colors for her rooms.
The painter comes over and they head to the first room where the woman says, "I would like this room to be a dark shade of blue."
The painter nods goes over to the window and yells out, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The woman is a little confused but dismisses it, they move to the next room where the woman declares, "I would like this room to be sunshine yellow."
The painter again nods and then goes over to the window and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The woman is again befuddled by this man's actions, but it wasn't any of her business and so she ignored him again.
They reached the last room the woman wanted to paint and tells the painter, "I want this room white washed, something simple."
The painter nods in acknowledgement and walks to the window, leans out and yells, "GREEN SIDE UP!"
The woman is worried and cannot contain her curiousity any longer and says to the painter, "If you don't mind asking, but why are you yelling 'green side up' out the window every couple minutes." Afraid she offended the man she quickly apologizes.
The man dismisses the apology with a wave of his hand and replies, "I don't mind you asking ma'am, I have some blondes laying sod outside."
-----------------------------------------
A blonde is walking in the woods one day and comes along some railroad tracks and sees a brunette jumping back and forth on the tracks saying, "22, 22, 22, 22..." everytime she hopped on the the opposite track. Interesting the blonde joins her and repeats after the brunette, "22, 22, 22, 22..."
This goes on for a while and a train comes rumbling down the tracks and the brunette jumps off, but the blonde gets hit, oblivious to everything because of the counting.
The brunette starts hopping on the tracks once again saying, "23, 23, 23, 23..."
--------------------------
A young brunette goes into the doctor's office
and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony.
She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams,
and so it goes on, everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
She says, "No, I'm really a blonde."
"I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
--------------------------------------------------
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
-------------------------------------------------------
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
---------------------------------------------------------
A blonde was driving home after work, and got caught in a really bad hailstorm.
Her car was covered with dents, so the next day she took it to a repair shop.
The shop owner saw that she was a blonde, so he decided to have some fun.
He told her to just go home and blow into the tailpipe really hard,
and all the dents would pop out.
So, the blonde went home, got down on her hands and knees and started blowing into
her car's tailpipe.
Nothing happened.
She blew a little harder, and still nothing happened.
Her roommate, another blonde, came home and said,
"What are you doing?"
The first blonde told her how the repairman had instructed her
to blow into the tailpipe in order to get the dents to pop out.
Her roommate rolled her eyes and said,
..."HELLLLOOOO!!!
You need to roll up the windows."
-------------------------------------------------------------
there was a blonde driving down the road listening to the radio. The DJ was telling
blonde joke after blonde joke until the blonde was mad enough she turned her radio
off.
A mile down the road, she saw another blonde out in a corn field in a boat rowing.
The blonde stopped her car jumped out and yelled, "You bimbo, it's blondes like you
that give us all a bad name. If I could swim I'd come out there and give you what's
coming to you!"
Come on You know at least one of those made you laugh..........
*hehehehe
