hehe, Glad to make you smile my dearst Matrim
that is what this thread is for....... though I wonder why I am the only one to give y'all jokes........ oh welll
Here's some more
Oh and these are a little bit more mature, at least some of them, so reader beware
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One morning a man came into the church on crutches. He stopped in front of the holy water, put some on both legs, and then threw away his crutches. An alter boy witnessed the scene and then ran into the rectory to tell the priest what he'd just seen. "Son, you've just witnessed a miracle," the priest said. "Tell me, where's this man now?" "Flat on his ass over by the holy water," said the boy
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At age 85, Morris marries Lou Anne, a lovely 25-year old. Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together. After the wedding festivities, Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite as one. All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris, who looks happy and eager. Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves. She is set to go to sleep again, but you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and he is as fresh as a 25-year old. Once again they enjoy each other. But as Morris gets set to leave, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris." Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says, "You mean I was here already?"
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An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a local bar. The husband asks, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together 50 years ago? We went behind this very bar where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you." "Yes, I remember it," she says. He says, "How about if we do it again for old time's sake?" She agrees. There's a police officer in the next booth eavesdropping and having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, "I'll just keep an eye on them." He follows them as the amble out of the place. When they reach the fence, the woman lifts her skirt, the old man drops his trousers, and the two lean up against the fence and erupt into the most furious sex the policeman has ever seen. They're bucking and jumping like 18-year-olds. This goes on for about 40 minutes. Finally, the couple collapses to the ground. The policeman is amazed, and can't resist approaching the older couple. He inquires to the blushing couple, "That was truly amazing, you must have been having sex for about 40 minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?" The old man says, "No, there's no secret. Fifty years ago that feeted fence wasn't electrified."
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"Sesame Street Workshop laid off sixty workers. News of the
firings was brought to employees by the letters F and U."
-Jimmy Fallon
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The Perfect Man
The perfect man is gentle
Never cruel or mean
He has a beautiful smile
And he keeps his face so clean
The perfect man loves children
And will raise them by your side
He will be a good father
And good husband to his bride
The perfect man loves cooking
Cleaning and vaccuuming too
He'll do anything to convey
His feelings of love to you
The perfect man is sweet
Writing poetry from your name
He's a best friend to your mother
And kisses away your pain
He has never made you cry
Or hurt you in any way......
OH SCREW THIS STUPID POEM............
THE PERFECT MAN IS GAY!!!!!!
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There once was a trout, who saw a fly and said "if that fly flies down four inches, I'm going to leap into the air and eat him.
A bear comes along and says, if that fly flies down four inches, the trout will jump up and eat the fly, and I'll nab the trout.
A hunter comes along, and says, if that fly flies down four inches, the trout will get the fliy, the bear will get the trout, and I'll shoot the bear.
A mouse then came along and said if that fly flie down four inches, the trout will get the fly, the bear will get the trout, the hunter will shoot the bear, and I'll get that sandwich out of the hunters pocket.
A cat came along and observed the situation. If that fly flies down four inches, the trout will get the fly, the bear will get the trout, the hunter will shoot the bear, the mouse will get the sandwich, and I'll pounce the mouse.
Then, the fly flew down four inches. The trout leapt into the air and swallowed the fly. The bear extended it's paw and grabbed the trout. The hunter shot the bear, the mouse nabbed the sandwich, and the cat jumped, missed and fell into the water.
The moral of the story is that whenever a fly flies down four inches, the pussy gets wet.
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Don't say this to a cop
The top 20 things not to say to a cop when he pulls you over.
20. I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.
19. Sorry officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.
18. Aren't you the guy from the villiage people?
17. Hey, you must have been doing 125 to keep up with me, good job.
16. I thought you had to be in relatively good physical shape to be a police officer.
15. I was going to be a cop, but I decided to finish high school instead.
14. Bad cop. No donut.
13. You're not going to check the trunk, are you?
12. Gee, that gut sure doesn't inspire confidence.
11. Didn't I see you get your butt kicked on cops?
10. Is it true that people become cops because they are too dumb to work at McDonalds?
9. I pay your salary
8. So uh, you on the take or what?
7. Gee officer, that's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning.
6. Do you know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.
5. I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other cars around, that's how far they are ahead of me.
4. What do you mean have I been drinking? You are the trained specialist.
3. Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off of my lap and got lodged between the brake and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.
2. Hey, is that a 9mm? That's nothing compared to this 44 magnum.
1. Hey, can you give me another one of those full cavity searches
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What do rednecks do on Halloween?
Pump kin
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The Pope was finishing his sermon. He ended it with the Latin
phrase "Tuti Homini" .... Blessed be Mankind.
A woman's rights group approached the Pope the next day to
mention that he blessed all Mankind but not Womankind.
The next day, after His sermon, the Pope concluded by saying,
"Tuti Homini, et Tuti Femini" .... Blessed be Mankind and
Womankind.
The next day a gay-rights group approached the Pope. They
said they noticed that he blessed mankind and womankind, and
asked if he could also bless gay people. The Pope said, "Of
course."
The next day the Pope concluded his sermon with, "Tuti Homini,
et Tuti Femini, et Tuti Fruiti."
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Q: What is the definition of the perfect wife?
A: A rich mute nymphomaniac that owns a liquor store.
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When Bill and Hillary first got married Bill said, "I am
putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look
in it."
In all their 30 years of marriage, Hillary never looked.
However, on the afternoon of their 30th anniversary, curiosity
got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside.
In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $81,874.25 in cash. She
closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she
knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why
there even was such a box with such contents.
That evening, they were out for a special anniversary dinner.
After dinner, Hillary could no longer contain her curiosity
and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these
years, I kept my promise and never looked into the box under
our bed. However, today the temptation was too much and I gave
in. But now I need to know, why do you keep the 3 beer cans
in the box?"
Bill thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these
years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was
unfaithful to you, I put an empty beer can in the box under
the bed to remind myself not to do it again."
Hillary was shocked, but said, "Hmmm, Jennifer, Paula and
Monica. I am very disappointed and saddened by your behavior.
However, since you are addicted to sex, I guess it does
happen and I guess 3 times is not that bad considering your
problem."
Bill thanked her for being so understanding. They hugged and
made their peace. A little while later Hillary asked Bill, "So
why do you have all that money in the box?"
Bill answered: "Well, whenever the box filled up with empty
cans, I took them to the recycling center and redeemed them
for cash."
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Why do blondes have more fun?
They are easier to keep amused.
> --------------------------------
Why don't blind people skydive?
It scares the rainbow out of the guide dog.
> --------------------------------
that is what this thread is for....... though I wonder why I am the only one to give y'all jokes........ oh welll